Here is the deception; believing loving someone more is going to fix their behavior. Yes, authentic love does help and heal; but the other person must be willing to do the work themselves by committing to their growth. We cannot grow for them as much as you might want or think we can. The best we can do is let them feel their feelings, face the consequences, and sometimes, all we can do is love them from a distance.
“You can only accept the level of love outside of you at the level you accept it within yourself.” ~ Kyle Cease
We may influence, inspire and hold space for someone’s change, but we actually can’t do the changing for them. Anything else is enabling.
Most people who get caught up in this type of behavior have codependency issues where they believe their well-being depends on controlling and changing another person’s behavior. And usually, they do the behavior as a way not to face their guilt and issues of not loving themselves.
Remember: We can’t give what we don’t have ourselves.
They attach their identity to others and lose control of their ability to think, feel, act, and take care of themselves. Until they realize their recovery lies not in the other person (no matter how much they believe it does) but in themselves, they will never change that delusional story and it’s not going to end well for everyone.
We detach and work on ourselves; another word for detachment and one that I prefer is non-attachment. Non-attachment means we are all responsible only for ourselves. It’s not our job to fix, solve, or worry about problems that are not our own. It’s about loving those we care about without enabling them by setting and keeping boundaries with ourselves and them.
Self-love and self-respect come to us when we take care of ourselves.
Satnam Paul Noiles