Brené Brown's words have been echoing in my mind lately, shedding light on a profound truth: "The near enemy of love is attachment." This concept strikes at the core of our understanding of relationships.
Attachment, often mistaken for love, thrives on conditions and expectations. It whispers, "I'll love you if..." or "I need you to be this way for me to love you." But that's not love; that's fear disguised as affection.
How often have we found ourselves in relationships more focused on what we can gain rather than give? That's attachment in action, not love.
We learn insecure attachments during childhood, laying the groundwork for a pattern of codependency rather than genuine love in adulthood. When a child's emotional needs are not consistently met or acknowledged, they may develop an anxious or avoidant attachment style. Anxious attachment manifests as a constant fear of abandonment, leading individuals to seek validation and reassurance from others to soothe their insecurities. On the other hand, avoidant attachment fosters a reluctance to rely on others emotionally, often resulting in a tendency to distance oneself from intimate connections. These attachment patterns become ingrained and can significantly influence how individuals approach relationships.
Those who struggle with codependency often prioritize the needs of others above their own, seeking external validation to fill the void left by unresolved childhood attachments. This dynamic can lead to a cycle of unhealthy dependency, where individuals may feel trapped in relationships and unable to establish boundaries rather than experiencing genuine love characterized by mutual respect, support, and autonomy. Codependent relationships have an imbalance of power and an unhealthy reliance on the other for emotional fulfillment.
I have never met one person who has recovered from their addiction and who also had to do significant work on their codependency.
True love is a beacon of acceptance and freedom. It doesn't demand, control, or possess. Instead, it allows, honors, and appreciates. It sees the other person as they are without trying to mold them into something they're not.
I work with clients to heal past wounds and cultivate healthy, fulfilling connections based on love rather than dependency. Let's embrace the beauty of allowing each other to be authentically ourselves without the weight of expectations or demands. That's where the purest form of love resides. 💖
Sincerely
Paul Noiles
