A healthy family allows each person (especially the children) to bring their whole selves to the table, knowing they will be; heard, seen, valued, and protected. Unfortunately, this does not happen in many families, and the child slowly loses their connection to their true spiritual essence.
I learned early as a little boy not to express my feelings because I could be physically or emotionally abused. The underlying message was twofold; one, what happened to me did not matter, and two, I didn't matter. My addiction had a lot to do with silencing the painful voice - I didn't matter. Toxic shame was the driving force, and I went out into the world to prove that I did matter, which caused most of my suffering because self-worth can only come from within ourselves.
"You can only accept the level of love outside of you at the level you accept it within yourself." ~ Kyle Cease
I spent much of my life pursuing love from others in various ways that never worked, and I ended up feeling even more rejected and addicted.
And as an adult, we are told to suck it up, to get over it because everyone had terrible shit happen to them in childhood. Unfortunately, that does not work because our issues live in our tissues. We can't let go and heal; what we cannot first let in (acknowledge).
Trauma is the invisible force that shapes our lives. It shapes the way we live, the way we love and the way we make sense of the world. And there is no quick fix. There is no magic pill; there is no shortcut to recovering from trauma. It takes great courage, hard work, and diligent commitment to the process of reconnecting to the essence that was lost.
Daily self-care, meditations, breathing and relaxation techniques, yoga, and exercise are a few ways to support trauma healing.
The following are essential steps for recovery from trauma:
Re-embodiment: reconnecting the mind to the body. Holding space for the body sensations and emotions, we had to suppress to survive the trauma. Begin to feel safe within our bodies Communicating: At some point in our treatment, victims of trauma, must learn to communicate the full extent of their experience in a safe container.
Get Curious: The stories (beliefs about ourselves) we had to tell ourselves to survive. Remember: freedom means - no programming.
Learn to trust again:
Letting go of the shame:
A good therapist can help because trauma happens in a relationship; it needs a safe, connected relationship to begin the healing. I have trained in Compassionate Inquiry, the Gabor Mate approach to healing trauma, and it's a game-changer for my clients. SIDE-NOTE: Some trauma cannot always be conquered, fixed, healed, or resolved, but it can be heard, held, and loved.
Child abuse and neglect is the single most preventable cause of mental illness, the single most common cause of drug and alcohol abuse, and a significant contributor to leading causes of death such as diabetes, heart disease, cancer, stroke, and suicide.
A trauma-informed world Paul Noiles
