Today, "I Get to Write" and share my authentic voice, but that was not the case for most of my Life. I suppressed my authentic voice and instead shared what I believed others wanted to hear because within me was an afraid boy who thought he was unlovable and not enough. And in my family of origin, I would do my best not to be seen by my father to stay safe. And as an adult, I desperately tried to be accepted by being what everyone wanted me to be. Once again, at a high cost – the abandonment of myself.
At the foundational level, trauma is a disconnection of the true self, and because of my trauma – I did not trust my voice because underneath was a great fear that I was unworthy. As a result of not relying on my voice, my body became ill. In January 2015, I had major surgery on the esophagus throat area, during which I spent ten days in the ICU, and then the same surgery in Dec. 2017, and today, I still have challenges with it. I believe wholeheartedly that it resulted from not trusting my voice for most of my life because of the fear of rejection.
There are many excellent books with massive research to validate what I am saying, like Dr. Gabor Mate's book, When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress, and Dr. Bessel van der Kolk's book, The Body Keeps Score.
Even acid reflux can indicate suppressed emotions; according to research, 27 percent of the population has this challenge.
Undoubtedly, unresolved issues live in our bodies and create illness if we don't pay attention and do the healing work. And for me, that was finding my voice, and it will be something I will be working on for the rest of my Life.
We humans are both uniquely beautiful and messy at the same time, and behind this great paradox is our voice, which needs to be expressed and heard, or it will cause sickness in our bodies.
The most significant part of my healing journey has been finding my voice. I now get to use my authentic voice. Where before, I feared using it.
… when we speak, we are afraid our words will not be heard nor welcomed but when we are silent we are still afraid So it is better to say… – from 'A Litany for Survival (1978) by Audre Lorde
To have no voice – to lose it, or to have it taken from you – is to be denied a place at these tables of Life. I say – be courageous, express yourself, and live without regret!
I will finish today’s post with affirmations for the seven chakras:
I AM courageous and will share my voice with whomever I decide. -Root Chakra I FEEL peace knowing the Universe will support my voice. -Sacral Chakra I DO not hide my truth - I speak authentically. -Solar Plexus Chakra I LOVE my voice, and I say THIS with confidence. -Heart Chakra I SPEAK, knowing my voice is needed in the world. -Throat Chakra I SEE peace, love, and joy when I express my voice. -Third Eye Chakra I UNDERSTAND that I must share my voice with the world to grow. -Crown Chakra
Satnam (truth is my identity) Paul Noiles