I used to believe my purpose was to find something to do that other persons would respect and look up to. I believed if I found that calling, all problems, including my addiction would be solved and – most importantly – everyone would love me. Love me, love me, love me was my inner mantra at a subconscious level, which was the pain that drove the addiction.
And so I went out into the world with the self-centeredness of a tornado, wildly plowing through things outside myself in desperation to soothe the inner pain of not knowing who I was. For 10 years, with complete disregard for the dire and destructive consequences, I ravaged my life and the lives of others. Just as a dog chases its own tail, I was oblivious to the reality that recovery was an inside job. I was oblivious to consciousness. With each relapse, the addiction became more wired. Eventually, there was no stopping: no amount of willpower, pain and suffering could deter me because the addictive brain had hijacked my mind, body and spirit. I became the bottomless type. My prime directive became the procurement and use of crack cocaine, supplemented by whatever I could find at the moment that would fill the dark hole – food, sex – anything to supply that instant hit of dopamine, the feel-good chemical.
As a true hard-wired person with a powerful addiction, I did not understand that consciousness precedes everything and that “doing” was only a by-product of consciousness. In other words, the reason I could not stop using was that my subconsciousness mind was programmed to use, it was the real driver of the bus. Even though I consciously wanted to stop, my subconscious mind, which is a million times stronger, continued to drive the bus of addiction. Had I not changed my focus from trying not to use my substance of choice, too focusing on how to reprogramming my subconscious mind or I would have never recovered.
We have to understand that our conscious mind will never stop us from using because the subconsciousness mind of a person with an addiction is set up for self-destruction. It’s built upon the foundation of fear, toxic shame and false beliefs. Shit, if consciousness was all we needed to recover, we would just read a self-help book and never pick up again.
An awakened consciousness is our solution but it requires a ton of work to reprogram our subconscious mind and heal our mind, body and spirit.
When we wake up, we remember that the driver of the bus was an imposter and the real driver is magnificent beyond belief. Once this slowly happens we will lose all desire to use.
We either awaken by doing the work or continue the misery of addiction to possible – even probable – death.
Here is the truth:
“Addiction is about PAIN, the pain of not knowing who you are; the solution is about AWAKENING, awakening to the truth of who you are.” Paul Noiles
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