“Being rescued was a fantasy I carried well into adulthood, a story where my father would ride in on a white horse and lovingly save me from the horrors of addiction. Instead, I perceived abandonment when I told Dad I had a severe addiction, and he pulled away. I capitalized on my feeling of rejection by increasing my drug use, self-righteously savoring my resentment and victim mentality.
Being angry at the world allowed me to hide the pain of feeling unworthy. My denial and refusal to accept reality fueled the addiction. Eventually, I understood it wasn’t my father’s or anyone else’s responsibility to save me. It was mine. Yes, in childhood, I was a victim, but as an adult staying the victim kept me blaming others for my addiction and how I felt about myself. There was no getting well until I came out of the victimhood story by working on healing the deep wounds of my past.
When I realized no one was coming to save me, I cried, my whole body shaking. I finally admitted, deep in my heart, that I was terrified of being unlovable and alone. It was gut-wrenching. Spiritual awakenings work this way.
After tears and processing the pain, I experienced a vast letting go and new freedom. I felt the real me for the first time as I looked back at the hurt little boy I’d been even as an adult. I felt the presence of loving power, and I knew deep within my heart everything would be okay from that day forward. I was finally ready to live and take 100 percent responsibility for my recovery, life, and self-worth.” From my book Mistaken Identity- A Sacred Journey from Addiction to Awakening.
What an incredible healing journey of my heart. The first heart is healing the wounds of the past. The second heart is getting to where you feel it is whole. The third heart is the gift you’re giving the world.
If someone were to ask me what was the most meaningful awakening for me, I would say, “Compassion, more compassion, and deeper compassion for myself and others.” I hope these words bring this compassion to you.
Love is a constant dance between connection and disconnection. Paul Noiles paulnoiles.com
