I wanted desperately to feel OK because I perceived - I was not good enough most of the time. I was utterly unaware that I was highjacked and triggered by a part of me that did not feel safe because of unhealed childhood trauma. I lived in a prison of my mind 24/7, and addiction, my favorite coping mechanism, took away the pain.
There is no way I would have woken up and found my freedom had I not seriously looked at why trying to be OK was a prison?
Here is the answer that changed everything:
It's a prison because the mind always wants us to be OK – because our mind never thinks it's completely OK. It is never satisfied. Why? Because this is what the mind does. Plus, unhealed trauma affects our bodies nervous system and limbic system of our brain. The limbic system is the part of the brain involved in our behavioral and emotional responses, especially when it comes to behaviors we need for survival.
Knowing this was powerful because I could observe the mind; instead of being a hostage. By observing – I could witness that I am NOT the ONE who is never OK; I am the Consciousness or Intelligence that uses the mind (thoughts and emotions).
The observer (witness) is our true self – the observer is another word for Consciousness – Intelligence – Awareness – Being – I AM. We are Awareness - Not the Mind or our trauma.
From that, I learned not to participate in the mind's struggle to be OK. Instead, I become comfortable sitting in there and not participating or being held hostage by the mind wanting to be OK.
Plus, I begin to work on healing my early childhood wounds and 10 years ago begin practicing daily meditation and Many other modalities which allowed me to not be preoccupied with trying to be OK. I then could sit still and experience my true nature beyond the mind.
“In awakening, what’s revealed to us is that we are not a thing, nor a person, nor even an entity. What we are is that which manifests as all things, as all experiences, as all personalities. We are that which dreams the whole world into existence. Spiritual awakening reveals that that which is unspeakable and unexplainable is actually what we are.” ~ Adyashanti
Today I am interacting with life – from a place of BEING, but not to be OK. It changed my box entirely, and I have not looked back. Paul Noiles