The father-son and mother-daughter relationships and their healing are vital to the world's health. I wrote this two years ago;
The picture is of little me with my older brother and grandfather, the only man I felt safe and unconditional love with back then. I was devastated when he died of a heart attack when I was 12 because my relationship with Dad felt unsafe, like walking on eggshells.
A family is dysfunctional or unhealthy when one or more adult caregivers struggle with addiction, compulsions, codependency, or bad behavior. When my father drank, I sometimes hid under my bed to avoid being hurt, and sometimes he would be drunk at the wheel as I tried to keep him from passing out and hitting oncoming traffic. It was terrifying. It's no wonder I felt unsafe with men right into adulthood which is a trauma response.
(By the way, I also drove high and drunk in my addiction years. Repeating a family pattern.)
The past needs healing and not swept under the carpet, or our past will continue to wreak havoc.
Examples of trauma responses and coping mechanisms:
We desired intimacy but feared vulnerability. We want connection, but it's bigger than our fear-based reality. We kept people at length because we feared being hurt again, which is inevitable. After all, we attract what we resist. We despised anyone or anything having authority over us. We people-pleased as a way to stay safe, but there was a high cost—hating myself for not being authentic. We learned to live with "dysfunction and chaos as normal.” We develop coping strategies like addiction or codependency etc. to deal with our wounds.
It's important to realize that we are not crazy. Instead, we grew up in a "dysfunctional" family, which caused us to develop essential yet unhealthy survival habits.
Addictions, mental health, and family dysfunctions are NO ONE'S FAULT; however, it's ALL our responsibility to stop passing on the dysfunctions and trauma to the next generation by healing ourselves.
We need a trauma-informed world – BIG TIME!
Today I am a completely different person because I did the hard essential healing work and love who I am. I had a powerful awakening, recovered from addiction, and now help others worldwide.
And finally, I have a new loving relationship with Dad; he told me, for the first time three years ago, that he loves and is proud of me. My Dad did his best; he never saw his father until he was four years old because he fought the Germans in World War II and had lots of trauma at home. I love you, Dad!
Warmly, Paul Noiles
