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Layer 1 of Mistaken Identity: Victim

We must decide whether we are worth saving.

Being rescued was a fantasy I carried well into adulthood, a story where my father would ride in on a white horse and lovingly save me from the horrors of addiction. Instead, I perceived abandonment when I told Dad that I had a severe cocaine addiction, and he pulled away. I capitalized on my feeling of rejection by increasing my drug use, self-righteously savoring my resentment and victim mentality.

Being angry at the world allowed me to hide the actual pain of feeling unworthy. My denial and refusal to accept reality fueled the addiction. Eventually, I understood it wasn’t my father’s or anyone else’s responsibility to save me. It was mine.

When I realized no one was coming to save me, I cried, my whole body shaking. I finally admitted, deep in my heart, that I was terrified of being unlovable and alone. It was gut-wrenching. Spiritual awakenings work this way.

After my tears and processing the pain, I experienced a vast letting go and new freedom. I felt the real me for the first time as I looked back at the hurt little boy I’d been. I felt the presence of a loving power, and I knew deep within my heart, everything would be okay from that day forward. I was finally ready to live.

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