Being homeless was like no other pain. I felt like the scum of the earth, so I created a delusional story to emotionally and psychologically survive but also to protect myself from another suicide attempt. Here is the amusing story that I created:
The Story: “Society was a bunch of puppets controlled by materialism, power, and fear, and I was a maverick. Being a maverick, I could do whatever the fuck I wanted. I could wake up when I wanted, use drugs whenever I wanted, make money (illegally) whenever I wanted, have crazy sex whenever I wanted. Look at me, mother fuckers I do not live by the bullshit of the world. I am living like a rock star just not with the fame and fortune.”
It was an insane and yet clever way to blame the world because it gave me more excuses to continue to use. It worked for years, but eventually nothing worked, the pain was all I knew. I had no idea who I was or if there was any way out and death was knocking at my door.
Addiction is progressive.
Addiction is a progressive illness like a snowball rolling down a hill, growing larger and larger, knocking and destroying everything in it's path. When the snowball does finally stop it's usually too big to move by ourselves and this is why we need to seek help from others.
Remember we are dealing with a chronic Dis-Ease that has high jacked our mind body and spirit and so lying to ourselves becomes second nature. Making it easy to be blind to the progression of the Dis-Ease. Think of it this way: there is an arsonist setting fires all over the city. The chief of the fire department can't find the arsonist because it's him and so denial is our biggest liability.
From my upcoming book "The Mistaken Identity Model of Addiction."
Hard to believe that was me in 2005
Addiction put me in a box which was to continue to suffer in misery and possibly die or do the work of spiritual awakening and recover.
Today, I can say without a doubt I am grateful to had to be put in that box of suffering because it forced me to go within, find recovery and discovered my authentic self. Today I love life but more importantly I love who I am and help others
do the same.
I turned my tragedy into a victory and you can do the same.