Updated: Nov 16, 2018
The most painful and transformational "aha moment" I ever had was when I finally woke up and faced the hard reality that NO ONE WAS COMING TO SAVE ME BUT MYSELF.
For years, I had created a fantasy that eventually someone would come to save me and I hoped that someone would be my father. He would be riding on his shiny white horse and save his son from hell of addiction. But it was just a hurt little boy who wanted his father. You see, I still believed I was unlovable and not good enough even as a full grown man back in those days.
My father never came because he decided to reject me once he found out I had a severe cocaine addiction. To this day I do not know why but it was probably fear. Of course, the rejection gave me the most excellent excuse to continue to use and use I did. Unconsciously was the voice, I will show him how.
I lived in the victim mentality and poor me for years, and so I had to pretend someone was coming to save me. It was how I kept my pain hidden.
My denial and refusal to accept "What IS" only fueled my addiction more and my father never did come because it was not his duty to do so. It was mine. We must decide we are worth saving. It was the most sobering moment in my entire life.
When it finally hit me, that no one was coming and I mean no one! Not my father, not my mom, or friend or sponsor or mentor I cried like a baby. I remember crying so much that my whole body was shaking because I was finally able to admit deep with my heart that I was terrified of being unlovable and alone. My heart was ripped wide open to the truth that no one was coming. It was a gut-wrenching pain but exactly how spiritual awakening works; it's painful to look at the false self.
But at the end of the crying and pain was a vast letting go and I felt a new freedom that I had never felt before. It was like the real me was naked for the first time and looking back a hurt little boy (the old self) and saying, “YES PAUL, it’s now time for you to live your LIFE!”
I felt the presence of GOD deep within my BEINGNESS, and I knew everything would be OK from that day forward. I still get all choked up writing about to today.
We need to crush the fantasy of wanting to be saved. We must blow up this disempowering belief. We must walk the path because we are not victims! It has nothing to do with self-will, it was a surrender moment. No one can help us until we are able to let go of being a victim. We say yes to ourselves and then reach out for help. The faster we wake up to this realization the less we will suffer, the deeper will be our surrender and the greater our opportunity for spiritual growth.
We must stop waiting for some to come and save us. Stop waiting to feel motivated to change. Stop waiting for someone to make us feel whole. The right time is NOW!
Affirmation: I am not a victim; I am powerful beyond measure and so it IS!
Sat Nam Paul Noiles