Had I not peeled the most important layer of the onion “I am not my feelings” I would have died because I used my substance of choice for one reason, and one reason only; I don't like how I felt. But it was much deeper than this, I used to escape or numb out the conscious or unconscious pain of not liking and even hating who I was.
Using gave me temporary pleasure and temporary relief from the dark hole of feeling less than, not good enough and possibly unlovable. I had bought into the belief “I was my feelings” from years of past programming that started as a little boy. I eventually attached my entire identity to my negative emotions and was so caught up in toxic shame that any negative feeling felt like death.
Some in recovery will say bullshit, that they used when they felt awesome just as much as when they felt like shit. If we are honest we will be able to see that both are still attempts, to avoid facing the present moment and so they are still attempting to escape the subtle pain of the false self (mistaken identity) even if only for a few hours.
Counsellors used to tell me to own my feelings which is important. However, if we are caught up in toxic shame, it will only make things worse because it's so easy to identify ourselves as the feelings. Make no mistake about it; shame is a pain body.
There is a better way than owning our feelings, it is called non-attachment or detachment. Detachment doesn't mean we don't own our feelings it means nothing owns us, there is a big difference.
You see, the reason I choose not to become the person I wanted; is because I was too attached to who I've been. I was wired to the pain because I identified my being-ness as thoughts and feelings.
Learning the power of non-attachment (detachment) was crucial to my awakening. Instead of owning our feelings just allow them to be felt because they are transients and forever changing. Awareness is what’s needed not ownership.
"Feelings are just visits let them come and go"~Mooji
It's imperative to remember there are no wrong feelings, they are all valid, need to be honoured and fully felt. This will helps us not run away from our feelings which is very dangerous for anyone in recovery.
The bottom line; there is no permanence in feelings, after all – everything is in a state of coming and going. The only thing that is permanent is our BEINGNESS.
"Love is a state of Being. Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you. It is not dependent on some other body, some external form. ~ Eckhart Tolle
Satnam Paul Noiles